


Basket Case

by alkjira, diemarysues



Series: Paws Pitter-Pattering [7]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Animals, Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Fluff and Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-01-25
Packaged: 2018-01-09 23:49:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alkjira/pseuds/alkjira, https://archiveofourown.org/users/diemarysues/pseuds/diemarysues
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“He’s started eating Bilbo’s sunflower seeds.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Basket Case

**Author's Note:**

> Title can be blamed entirely on me (alkjira)

“You know, I think we might need to go to the bakery.”

Kíli frowned. “Bakery?”

Ori raised his eyebrows, trying to discreetly point out Thorin with his chin. Luckily Kíli caught on before he needed to do something drastic and obvious – like writing it out in block letters on his sketchpad. And the gods help them if their pets ever learnt how to read (which they of course wouldn’t, because cats and hamsters couldn’t read, or have little ones together, and... moving on-)

“Oh. Ohh.” Kíli’s head started to move in Thorin’s direction before he thought better of it.  
  
‘Going to the bakery’ was their code for ‘taking Thorin to the vet’. Because their cat was devious and had learned what ‘v-e-t’ meant. (Which didn’t mean that he could spell, just that he recognized the sound. Yes, for the sake of Ori's sanity that was definitly the case.)  
  
“But didn’t we do that just a week ago?” Kíli winced and rubbed at his forearm, where the scratches had been worse. They weren’t completely healed yet, having only just scabbed over, and twinged when he stretched to reach anything.

“Yeah, I’m not looking forward to a repeat performance either.” Ori hadn’t escaped the vengeful claws either. “But… you remember why we went the first time.”

“Too much salmon, yeah. To tell you the truth, it’s really starting to look like a diet will be needed.” That sounded as fun as ‘going to the bakery’.

“Well… I think our efforts to provide more varied meals kind of worked too well.”

That was surprising. Kíli still remembered the first night after they’d brought Thorin back (much to the happiness of Bilbo and their kids), and tried out tuna. They’d even shaped it in a ‘salmon shape’, according to Kíli’s specifications, but it hadn’t worked. Thorin had taken one cautious sniff before stepping back and throwing an absolutely _insulted_ look towards his humans.

Then the cat had loped off to meow complainingly to Bilbo, who had in turn demonstrated his absolutely heartbreaking wide-eyed sad look. Neither Kíli nor Ori had been unaffected by this, and salmon had had to be broken out.

They reached a breakthrough, though, when Kíli had had the bright idea (and yes it was a bright idea, not an insane one, thank you Ori) to explain to Bilbo how it was unhealthy to only eat one kind of food without variance in the diet, and really, since Thorin was also a father shouldn’t he look after himself better in order to set a good example?

That had been the first time Thorin had willingly eaten chicken. Ori had been speechless.

“But weren’t we trying to lessen the salmon?”

Ori rubbed his forehead. “He’s not supposed to be eating things we don’t give him.”

Kíli bristled. “Is this about the marshmallows? ‘Cause I said I was sorry, I didn’t think he’d wolf them all down like a –”

“This isn’t about that.” Ori reached out and took Kíli’s hand, presumably to placate him and sure enough, the simple fit of their fingers slotting together was calming. That should probably have been more worrying. “He’s started eating Bilbo’s sunflower seeds.”

“That… that’s weird.” Kíli smoothed his thumb over Ori’s knuckles. “Maybe by giving him a taste of other food we’ve created a monster. As if he can’t delineate between food for cats and food that’s not salmon.”

Ori raised his eyebrows. “Delineate?”

“Hey, I study too, you know.” Kíli was perfectly prepared to be huffy at this apparent insult to his vocabulary when Ori abruptly let go of his hand. His confusion only mounted when Ori crowded into his lap, twining his thin arms around Kíli’s neck. “Um. Aren’t we supposed to be discussing the cat?”

“The cat can wait,” Ori said, lips curled into a smirk that did funny things to Kíli’s heart. “Talk verbose to me.”

And Kíli, though still quite confused, recognised an opportunity when he saw one. Putting his hands around his boyfriend – to steady him, of course – he then leaned forward and put his mouth to Ori’s ear.

“Verbose,” he whispered slowly, and grinned when Ori laughed.

=

Contrary to the belief of his humans, Thorin was quite aware what the code ‘going to the bakery’ meant – though he did not know what a bakery was supposed to be. It mattered not, he thought, tail lashing.

First they forced him to change his diet – by press-ganging Bilbo’s help – and now, after he’d started eating other things, they thought something was wrong with him. Where was the logic in that?

Yes, it was true that he’d eaten Bilbo’ and their children’s sunflower seeds, but it wasn’t like he’d eaten every single one. He’d only had a little – because he wasn’t greedy, which was how Ori and Kíli seemed to see him as.

(Thorin had to admit to being relieved that Dwalin hadn’t been around to see him nosing through the hamster food. There would’ve been mocking, otherwise, and Thorin rather received enough mocking as it was.)

The cat let his irritation slide away as he sauntered towards his mate. A quirk of his ears notified him that the children were arguing about something or other. Thorin left them be, considering that it didn’t sound too serious a disagreement. “Hello, dear one.”

Bilbo looked up from his lunch and smiled, tilting his face to touch their noses. “Hullo. You seem cheerful.”

“Do I?” Thorin purred and curled around Bilbo. “I suppose I am happy.”

“Really?” He was squinted at disbelievingly. “Just a little earlier Éomer came to me and mentioned how you kept looking over at our humans and growling.”

“I had good reason,” he sniffed. Then sniffed again. Something smelled very good, and the scent didn't come from his mate.

“And what is this reason?”

“I’d rather not talk about it. I’ll only get annoyed again.”

His hamster sighed a little. “Very well.”

Still purring, Thorin rubbed his cheek against Bilbo’s back, feeling inordinately pleased when Bilbo squeaked in enjoyment. He did this a few times, enjoying the feel of soft fur, and thought about how lucky he was to have had Bilbo in his life, and to have had so many children with him.

What a perfect life. Even with his annoying humans taken into consideration it was more than he’d ever hoped for. More than he could ever have asked. Perhaps even more than he deserved, but he didn’t care. He’d not give this up for anything.  
  
In light of that, perhaps another tedious visit to the evil that was the vet was a small price to pay. Though it would be preferable if Ori and his Kíli could just stop being ridiculous. There was nothing wrong with him. Nothing at all.

Thorin would have been quite happy to lie there quietly and let the rest of the day pass, but for a stray thought that dragged through his consciousness and immediately soured his mood.

He cleared his throat. "Bilbo, am I chunky?"

The answer was almost immediate. "Darling, you're perfect. But please stop eating my broccoli. "

Huh. Thorin licked his mouth. He hadn’t even realised that he’d eaten one of the tiny trees. Oh, and that was what had been smelling so nice. Usually the cat would have been disgusted with himself, but the ‘broccoli’ had been surprisingly tasty.  
  
"...you can have my salmon?" No doubt he’d be back on an all-salmon diet, going by Ori’ and Kíli’s conversation. Better that than the vet.

“Hamsters don’t eat fish, my dear.” Bilbo frowned up at him. “Are you alright? You’ve seemed… odd, these past few weeks.”

Thorin frowned. “What do you mean, odd?”

“I don’t know… you’ve been more affectionate than usual –”

“And that’s a bad thing?” he asked pointedly.

Bilbo looked a little irritated at the interruption. “Of course it isn’t a bad thing, but considering you’ve just as often been hiding away in the laundry basket…”

“I’ve not been hiding,” Thorin said mulishly. “It’s cool and dark inside there. I like it.”  
  
And it was quiet. But pointing that out at that very moment would not have been a smart move. Never let it be said that he was _incapable_ of knowing when something was the wrong thing to say.

“Fine. Putting aside those facts, you can’t tell me that you’ve not been overeating of late.”

Thorin’s ears went flat against his head. “Overeating?” This was worse than their humans’ discussion! “I haven’t been overeating!”

“Well,” Bilbo started carefully, “-what else would you call it? Ori and Kíli have been giving you enough food, the same as normal, but you keep stealing everyone else’s.”

“Oh, stealing is it? I didn’t think you objected to sharing –”

“Sharing means there’s at least some sort of agreement. You’ve been taking without asking, and that sounds more like stealing than sharing.”

Thorin abruptly deflated. Bilbo was right. He was being boorish, and was a thief. “I – I’m sorry, dear one. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Bilbo blinked at this about face in temperament, and hesitantly patted Thorin’s face with his tiny paw. “It’s fine to be out of sorts, darling. It happens to everyone.”

Thorin purred softly. “I’m still sorry. Can I do something to make it up to you?”  
  
“Well…”  
  
Thorin purred louder at the sweet look his hamster gave him. Then an exasperated look appeared on the beloved furry little face.  
  
“Thorin, you’re eating my broccoli again.”  
  
Thorin swallowed the remaining bits of another one of the tiny trees. Oh.

=

"Father, why are you so big now?"  
  
“ _Durin_ ,” Bilbo protested. “I believe we have taught you better than this.” He had, at any rate.  
  
“But he is bigger,” Durin said sulkily. “Yesterday he didn’t fit when he tried to curl up on Kíli’s silver square.”

Thorin abruptly got up from the couch and slinked away,  doubtlessly to the laundry basket. As he went, Bilbo was quite sure he heard his cat muttering: “Can’t eat what I want, what's the point?”

With a sigh Bilbo made a mental note to stop by the hallway to see if Kíli had left his bag lying around. The plastic hair things that held it closed were very helpful when the goal was to mess up his fur. And helping him sort it out again always cheered Thorin up.

“I didn’t mean to upset him,” Durin said in a small voice and Bilbo sighed again. Durin really was the one of their pups that took after Thorin the most. Both in looks and in bluntness.  
  
“It’s not your fault, darling. There’s nothing wrong with what you said, but please try and remember that _how_ you say something is also important.”  
  
To be perfectly honest Bilbo was a little worried for Thorin, but he wasn’t about to tell that to the children.  
  
The eating... well as a hamster he could hardly fault someone for enjoying a good meal, but the amount of food that Thorin had devoured lately was just so out of the usual for him. And that didn’t even go into what said food had consisted of.

Broccoli. Really, that just wasn’t normal.

=

When Thorin would not come out of the laundry basket even with the promise that Bilbo’s fur _really_ needed some special attention the hamster’s worry grew. And even more so when Thorin missed dinner.  
  
When Bilbo trotted over to tell Thorin that his salmon was waiting, thinking that perhaps his cat had just lost track of time in the darkness of the laundry basket, Thorin actually growled at him, low and dark and it was clearly intended as a warning to leave him alone.  
  
Shocked, and even more worried, Bilbo scurried back into the kitchen. Even when they’d fought before Thorin had never sounded like that. Something wasn’t right with his mate and Ori and his Kíli needed to know. They needed to do something.  
  
=  
  
When Bilbo rushed into the kitchen, squeaking as loud as he could, Ori and Kíli naturally assumed that something was amiss with one of the pups.  
  
And true enough, in the hall Merry and Pippin had somehow gotten themselves stuck inside one of Ori’s wellies, and upon an investigation of the living room Mini-Kíli and Mini-Fíli were found hiding behind the coffee table wearing smug expressions while being completely soaking wet; their fur hanging limp and sodden, but aside from that the pair seemed perfectly fine.  
  
And so did the rest of the pups as they were all busy eating in the kitchen.  
  
But Bilbo still seemed upset.  
  
“I’m trying really hard not to make any jokes about someone named Timmy falling down a well,” Kíli said as he plunked his namesake and Mini-Fíli down on a towel so they could stop ruining the hardwood floor. And people worried about the deposit when they had dogs, they should try hamsters...  
  
“Maybe not Timmy,” Ori murmured. “But where’s Thorin?”  
  
“Laundry basket,” Kíli said with a snort. “Been sulking most of the afternoon for some reason or ‘nother. I thought that it was best to leave him to it, he’s been a bit grumpy lately, as you know.”  
  
“He’s not been _all_ grumpy,” Ori defended. “Just the other day he curled himself over my shoulders for hours and purred. It was sweet.”  
  
“Since you ended up with a massive crick in your neck I’m not entirely convinced that it wasn’t an elaborate revenge for you messing with his food,” Kíli said with a wry grin.  
  
From the floor came Bilbo’s indignant squeak, at an even louder volume than before.  
  
“Considering that everyone else is accounted for, we best check out the resident cat,” Kíli said with a sigh. “This will be fun. Last week when I accidentally opened the laundry basket when he was there he scared me half to death with his caterwauling . Can I wear the oven mitts? And ear plugs?”  
  
Ori snorted. “I’ll open the lid, oh brave one.”  
  
As soon as they both walked into the bathroom Thorin greeted them with yowling and hissing. And all of a sudden they didn’t just have one anxious hamster scampering around on the floor, they had one anxious hamster plus nine worried pups. And apparently one angry cat in a basket. Great.  
  
=  
  
Oh, if only Bilbo had been able to make himself understood to humans. Ori and his Kíli needed a stern talking to. Couldn’t they hear that Thorin sounded like he was _hurt_? He hadn’t before, but…  
  
“Thorin?”  
  
“I’m not _done_!” came the hissed reply.  
  
Bilbo’s whiskers twitched. What was _that_ supposed to mean!? “Are you-?” Then Thorin yowled again.

"Is Father dying?" Frodo asked, almost too low to be heard even though he’d was standing right next to Bilbo. Bilbo pressed their whiskers together, trying to hide his own worry. 

"No, no, Frodo, sweetheart. He's... he’s going to be fine. Just fine.” Bilbo swallowed, and wondered if he was trying to convince Frodo, or himself. “You’ll see."  
  
“I’ll do it,” Ori’s Kíli offered when Ori took a step towards the basket. “I’m starting to get used to having scratches on my arms, and you do make an awfully cute nurse.”  
  
”I can’t be a handsome doctor?” Ori asked with a small snort.  
  
“Playing doctor,” Kíli teased. “I like it.”  
  
Bilbo wanted to bite someone. Could they _stop_ playing and _please_ check on his mate? It had gotten awfully quiet in the basket after that last yowl.

"What's wrong then, daddy?" Éowyn asked, cuddling closer to Éomer.

"I - he-" Bilbo began just as Kíli, the human Kíli, cautiously, _very_ cautiously removed the lid from the basket. For a moment everything was quiet, then Thorin meowed; sounding much calmer than before, and then a small peeping noise rose from the basket.

" _Kittens_? _!_ " Kíli exclaimed.

“Kittens?” Ori echoed.  
  
Bilbo was too shocked to speak.  
  
“Thorin is a mum,” Kíli grinned, and when a low growl came from the basket  he just grinned wider. “No, don’t try and deny it, you didn’t have those stuffed in your pockets.”  
  
“I’m going to get a clean towel,” Ori said faintly. “Kittens… I, no-“ And with that he carefully stepped over Bilbo and the pups and left the bathroom.  
  
“He’ll come around,” Kíli told Bilbo, who blinked rather stupidly up at him. Kittens? “You know how he was when you had the first lot. He just need to get used to it.”  
  
Shaking off the daze that had settled over him Bilbo made his way through the crowd of his now excitingly peeping children (though not all of his children? Kittens? What?) to press a paw against the edge of the basket.  
  
“Thorin, may I come in now?”  
  
There was a sudden burst of loud purring from the basket.

"Yes," Thorin said, very smugly. A beat. "And… I’m sorry for what I said before, the way I acted. I was, I wasn’t prepared. And I-"

"It's alright," Bilbo promised as he climbed the basket’s side; luckily it was made out of some sort of weave, with many tiny holes to use as footholds. "I was... surprised as well when our first five came. And I had at least figured out that they were coming."

"Instead this time you just thought I was overeating."

"I was just worried," Bilbo said mildly as he managed to squeeze himself through an opening in the lid. “And I wanted you to stop eating my broccooooh!”  
  
Bilbo squeaked as he fell down into the depths of the laundry basket. He would later blame his lack of forethought on being distracted, very distracted, but even so it was lucky that he landed on Thorin and not one of their - 

"Oh my," Bilbo breathed as his eyes adjusted to the lower light. A very proud Thorin was lying curled up around a tangle of kittens. Bilbo blinked and tried to count the squirming bodies. One tail, two tails, three tails, four tails, five- no, that was the first one again. "Oh, Thorin. Four of them? Well done."

"Believe me, I know," Thorin said with a small wince. 

"Might I remind you I've had _nine_? Not all at once though, and certainly not this _big_." Despite being newly born they were almost of a size with Bilbo. It was too dark to tell what colours they were, but one of them seemed a fair bit lighter than the others.

"I wasn’t fat,” Thorin muttered.   
  
“Darling, you’d be just as lovely even if you wouldn’t even fit on the couch.” Bilbo nosed at the closest pup, well, kitten, and it peeped back at him. “Hello my darling, welcome. We weren’t really expecting you, but I’m so pleased.”

“What have you done to your fur?” Thorin asked, tilting his head to the side. “It’s a complete mess.”  
  
“Yes, yes,” Bilbo said distractedly. “We’ll sort that out later.” None of the kittens’ eyes were open yet, but they seemed healthy and well-formed. And he already loved them so.  
  
From outside the basket Bilbo could hear the rest of their children’s excited whispers and discussions. They weren’t climbing the basket _yet_ , but it would only be a question of time…  
  
“I better go back to them,” Bilbo said with a great deal of regret. He had barely gotten a good sniff of his babies' scents. “Or they’ll be crawling all over you and the little ones.”  
  
“I thought they were _big_ ,” Thorin said drily.  
  
“Oh shush,” Bilbo sniffed. “You gave us all a scare you know. But at least we’ll know what to look out for the next-“  
  
“There will be no next time,” Thorin said firmly, not completely able to hide a wince. “I’ve said it before, thirteen is a good number.”  
  
“If you say so, darling,” Bilbo said, lifting his head to press their noses together. “If that means I’ll get to keep my broccoli.”  
  
“I can’t believe I _ate_ that,” Thorin muttered even as he started purring again. “What was I thinking.”  
  
One of the little ones mewled and Bilbo’s heart felt too big to fit inside his little body. Thirteen really was a good number.  
  
“Look out!!”  
  
That was all the warning received before Merry and Pippin came tumbling down into the basket.  
  
“I tried to stop them,” came Durin’s muffled voice from outside. “I could only hold Fíli and Kíli though.”  
  
“This is awesome,” Merry breathed, eyes big, and Pippin nodded.  
  
“I want to see!” Rosie peeped, thankfully also from the outside.  
  
“Everyone stay right where you are,” Bilbo said firmly. “Except the two of you,” he added to Merry and Pippin. “Up you go again. You’ll get to meet them later.”  
  
“But Dad…”  
  
“Do as he says,” Thorin purred. “Your siblings won’t go anywhere.”  
  
With an air of absolute dejection, the two troublemakers started climbing up again.  
  
“Wait a moment,” Bilbo said. “If you fall out onto the bathroom floor you might hurt yourselves.”  
  
“Then we can stay?” Pippin asked hopefully, pausing his climbing.  
  
“I want to come too!” Rosie complained, and her little voice sounded closer than before.  
  
“I’ll handle this,” Thorin said with a sigh, then he meowed, much like he did when he needed Ori or his Kíli to go on a cathamster collecting mission when someone had gotten themselves stuck in a bad spot.  
  
A few moments passed, and Bilbo blinked as the world suddenly became a lot brighter as the lid of the basket was lifted away.  
  
“You called, your majesty?” Kíli said drily, but he couldn’t hide his grin. “Kittens, that’s so awesome.”  
  
“Told you so,” Merry said smugly.

**Author's Note:**

> If you remember the notes on diemarysues' story "A Ring", well, here was basically that story.  
> No need for AUs of this AU when we can just squeeze everything into the same universe. 
> 
> Also, KITTENS! :D
> 
> (diemarysues: Here's the link that was in 'A Ring's notes: [[link](http://sadspockpanda.tumblr.com/image/135524131906)]


End file.
